Let's Talk About Playing

     So much on my mind, I just need to get it out there!
     The benefits of playing are the most important aspects of a child's young mind.  In playing, children develop the skills of problem-solving, cooperation, verbal and non-verbal communication, and their sense of curiosity.  They learn the important skills of taking turns, sharing, and getting along with others.  They learn to negotiate and to communicate with those around them.  Additionally, young children develop their fine and gross motor skills through play.
     Last week, I met in a vertical team meeting with kindergarten teachers to discuss what they wanted our preschoolers to know coming in to kindergarten.  Would you like to know what they said?  They said, "We want them to be able to play cooperatively."  That was the number one skill on their list!
     In an article by Gary Direnfeld, a social worker from Canada, this is the breakdown of the changes and challenges to parenting in the past 70 years:
To know what we can do differently, we first need to appreciate what’s creating challenges of children’s behavior and undermining a parent's authority. This brief history of the world is needed – or at least a brief history of the past 70 years. It goes like this:

• 1950’s: Intact two parent families with a primary breadwinner and a primary homemaker;

• 1960’s: Women’s Movement begins and gender equality begins to be examined publicly;
• 1970’s: No-fault divorce appears in many jurisdictions, divorce rate begins to climb;
• 1980’s: Praise your kids was the new mantra in parenting;
• 1990’s: As the economy tanks and rebounds, good paying jobs go and more families require two income earners. At issues is latch key kids;
• 2000’s: From computers in bedrooms, to video games to the introduction of the iPhone and then android operating system, technology consumes our attention and this generation;
• 2010’s: Technology abounds and usage has increased throughout all age groups, right down to infants with strollers adapted to hold iPads and wristbands to count our every step. We tell children the world is a dangerous place and they need to stay electronically tethered to stay safe. We wonder why children generally are more anxious than ever before.

     In the eyes of a young child, there is less support, supervision, and the transfer of values and morals by face-to-face communication.  Parents and children may be close in proximity, but not really communicating.  This is all crucial to children feeling safe and secure, loved, and valued as an individual.  Direnfeld also says that parents don't hold children as accountable as they did before, some believing that their children can do no wrong.  Because of this, a child's mental health is at risk.
     Parents may feel embarrassed or guilty about their child’s behavioral issues and also fear being blamed. Parents and teachers are argue against each other as schools try to manage the repercussions of all this in the classroom and parents seek to hold the educational system accountable to socialize their kids.
     Direnfeld goes on to say that in his practice he sees that we have a generation of rudderless disconnected kids. Of course in this context the usual parenting strategies become ineffective. To begin with, our children don’t recognize our authority and many harbor an unstated resentment for our lack of connection. It comes out as behavior. Thus when we seek to punish, take things away, badger and discipline, from the child’s perspective we are only widening the disconnect and escalating the resentment.
     Direnfeld suggest these practices to re-connect parents and their children:

1. Turn off your technology when you walk though the door. Hunt your child down and give them a kiss hello before anything else.
2. Have technology free periods of the day/week with your child.
3. Count the number of times you have a meal with your child. Going back some 50 years, and out of 21 opportunities a week, the number back then would have been near 21. Whatever your count, consider how you can increase it.
4. Take your child’s face gently and directly between your hands and tell your child outright, you love her/him. Do so daily.
5. Keep the tablet or smart phone out of the bedroom at least at bedtime. Buy an old fashioned alarm clock if needed.  (I had a student tell me that after the parents had gone to bed, this student got back out of bed and turned the movie that was being watched, back on.  This child said that was why he/she was so tired.  I didn't have a TV in my room until I was in high school!  Children need to learn how to self-comfort, not go to sleep to the TV or a movie.)
6. Resist consumer purchases when begged by your child or if to assuage your guilt. Instead, spend time with your child when you feel triggered to make a purchase on their behalf.
7. When your child acts inappropriately, think less about the consequence you will levy and the fight to hold them accountable and think more about sharing a little disappointment and that you think they are better than that. Let your child know you love him or her but that seeing the misdeed makes you feel sad. Do not come from a place of anger or hostility, but concern and love. Label your feelings so that your child may come to understand his or hers. Connect emotionally.

     The challenges parents are facing today are recognizing and working in the midst of the what has become the norm in many homes and not being driven off course by the resistance of the child who may not want to give up the trappings of an indulged lifestyle. It is as if the child needs to learn that good relationships and emotional connections really do feel better than stuff or things.
     Being connected to your kids through direct contact is key.  With an intact and meaningful connection, parents may not even need many of the discipline strategies we used to talk about. We will have settled the unrest and negative behaviors affecting so many children today.