Let's Talk About Playing

     So much on my mind, I just need to get it out there!
     The benefits of playing are the most important aspects of a child's young mind.  In playing, children develop the skills of problem-solving, cooperation, verbal and non-verbal communication, and their sense of curiosity.  They learn the important skills of taking turns, sharing, and getting along with others.  They learn to negotiate and to communicate with those around them.  Additionally, young children develop their fine and gross motor skills through play.
     Last week, I met in a vertical team meeting with kindergarten teachers to discuss what they wanted our preschoolers to know coming in to kindergarten.  Would you like to know what they said?  They said, "We want them to be able to play cooperatively."  That was the number one skill on their list!
     In an article by Gary Direnfeld, a social worker from Canada, this is the breakdown of the changes and challenges to parenting in the past 70 years:
To know what we can do differently, we first need to appreciate what’s creating challenges of children’s behavior and undermining a parent's authority. This brief history of the world is needed – or at least a brief history of the past 70 years. It goes like this:

• 1950’s: Intact two parent families with a primary breadwinner and a primary homemaker;

• 1960’s: Women’s Movement begins and gender equality begins to be examined publicly;
• 1970’s: No-fault divorce appears in many jurisdictions, divorce rate begins to climb;
• 1980’s: Praise your kids was the new mantra in parenting;
• 1990’s: As the economy tanks and rebounds, good paying jobs go and more families require two income earners. At issues is latch key kids;
• 2000’s: From computers in bedrooms, to video games to the introduction of the iPhone and then android operating system, technology consumes our attention and this generation;
• 2010’s: Technology abounds and usage has increased throughout all age groups, right down to infants with strollers adapted to hold iPads and wristbands to count our every step. We tell children the world is a dangerous place and they need to stay electronically tethered to stay safe. We wonder why children generally are more anxious than ever before.

     In the eyes of a young child, there is less support, supervision, and the transfer of values and morals by face-to-face communication.  Parents and children may be close in proximity, but not really communicating.  This is all crucial to children feeling safe and secure, loved, and valued as an individual.  Direnfeld also says that parents don't hold children as accountable as they did before, some believing that their children can do no wrong.  Because of this, a child's mental health is at risk.
     Parents may feel embarrassed or guilty about their child’s behavioral issues and also fear being blamed. Parents and teachers are argue against each other as schools try to manage the repercussions of all this in the classroom and parents seek to hold the educational system accountable to socialize their kids.
     Direnfeld goes on to say that in his practice he sees that we have a generation of rudderless disconnected kids. Of course in this context the usual parenting strategies become ineffective. To begin with, our children don’t recognize our authority and many harbor an unstated resentment for our lack of connection. It comes out as behavior. Thus when we seek to punish, take things away, badger and discipline, from the child’s perspective we are only widening the disconnect and escalating the resentment.
     Direnfeld suggest these practices to re-connect parents and their children:

1. Turn off your technology when you walk though the door. Hunt your child down and give them a kiss hello before anything else.
2. Have technology free periods of the day/week with your child.
3. Count the number of times you have a meal with your child. Going back some 50 years, and out of 21 opportunities a week, the number back then would have been near 21. Whatever your count, consider how you can increase it.
4. Take your child’s face gently and directly between your hands and tell your child outright, you love her/him. Do so daily.
5. Keep the tablet or smart phone out of the bedroom at least at bedtime. Buy an old fashioned alarm clock if needed.  (I had a student tell me that after the parents had gone to bed, this student got back out of bed and turned the movie that was being watched, back on.  This child said that was why he/she was so tired.  I didn't have a TV in my room until I was in high school!  Children need to learn how to self-comfort, not go to sleep to the TV or a movie.)
6. Resist consumer purchases when begged by your child or if to assuage your guilt. Instead, spend time with your child when you feel triggered to make a purchase on their behalf.
7. When your child acts inappropriately, think less about the consequence you will levy and the fight to hold them accountable and think more about sharing a little disappointment and that you think they are better than that. Let your child know you love him or her but that seeing the misdeed makes you feel sad. Do not come from a place of anger or hostility, but concern and love. Label your feelings so that your child may come to understand his or hers. Connect emotionally.

     The challenges parents are facing today are recognizing and working in the midst of the what has become the norm in many homes and not being driven off course by the resistance of the child who may not want to give up the trappings of an indulged lifestyle. It is as if the child needs to learn that good relationships and emotional connections really do feel better than stuff or things.
     Being connected to your kids through direct contact is key.  With an intact and meaningful connection, parents may not even need many of the discipline strategies we used to talk about. We will have settled the unrest and negative behaviors affecting so many children today. 

Technology and the Developing Child

     Technology is the future.  I cannot argue that.  What I can argue is the amount of time young children spend using that technology.
     According to an article written by Dr. Nicholas Kardaras, technology can be like digital heroin.  Children as young as three and four years of age are getting so wrapped up, focused, on digital games that they are losing interest in developmentally appropriate activities.  They want so desperately to reach that next level, capture that next gem, the list goes on, also leading to an increase in unacceptable behavior problems.
     According to Dr. Kardaras's research, "Many parents intuitively understand that ubiquitous glowing screens are having a negative effect on kids. We see the aggressive temper tantrums when the devices are taken away and the wandering attention spans when children are not perpetually stimulated by their hyper-arousing devices. Worse, we see children who become bored, apathetic, uninteresting and uninterested when not plugged in."
     He goes on to say that, " We now know that those iPads, smartphones and X-boxes are a form of digital drug. Recent brain imaging research is showing that they affect the brain’s frontal cortex — which controls executive functioning, including impulse control — in exactly the same way that cocaine does. Technology is so hyper-arousing that it raises dopamine levels — the feel-good neurotransmitter most involved in the addiction dynamic — as much as sex.
     This addictive effect is why Dr. Peter Whybrow, director of neuro-science at UCLA, calls screens “electronic cocaine” and Chinese researchers call them “digital heroin.” In fact, Dr. Andrew Doan, the head of addiction research for the Pentagon and the US Navy — who has been researching video game addiction — calls video games and screen technologies “digital pharmakeia” (Greek for drug).
     That’s right — your kid’s brain on Minecraft looks like a brain on drugs. No wonder we have a hard time peeling kids from their screens and find our little ones agitated when their screen time is interrupted. In addition, hundreds of clinical studies show that screens increase depression, anxiety and aggression and can even lead to psychotic-like features where the video gamer loses touch with reality."
     What can parents do?"  Parents who are constantly busy with their devices are also unknowingly having an effect on their child’s brain development. A parent who is permanently distracted by their tablet or phone is more likely to ignore their baby’s cues, and this can lead to the connection between parent and baby being lost. This back and forth engagement is an important part of secure attachment, which is critical for healthy brain development in children.
     The key is to prevent your 4-, 5- or 8-year-old from getting hooked on screens to begin with. That means Lego instead of Minecraft; books instead of iPads; nature and sports instead of TV. If you have to, demand that your child’s school not give them a tablet or ChromeBook until they are at least 10 years old (others recommend 12).  Have honest discussions with your child about why you are limiting their screen access. Eat dinner, at the table, with your children without any electronic device.     
      Liz Senior was recently interviewed on Carte Blanche for the ‘Techno Tots’ feature, which examined the impact that technology can have on children’s development. “While children may learn something from watching or interacting with a screen, the fact remains that children learn best when they experience the real three-dimensional world. Feeling, touching, seeing, moving, problem-solving and connecting with others is where children learn best,” she says.
Other negative consequences of too much technology include:
· Low tone and weak core muscle development
· Gross motor problems
· Obesity
· Weak social skills
· Concentration issues
· Lack of imagination and creativity
· Poor problem-solving skills
· Limited lateral thinking ability
· Impatience and aversion to hard work
· A constant need for instant gratification.
These suggestions are from Clamber Club’s top tips for responsible child technology usage:
1. Limit the quantity
     As a rule of thumb, children aged 2-5 years should have no more than one hour a day of screen time. Children aged 5-18 years should have a maximum of two hours per day. This includes all screen time – tablets, TVs and phones.
2. Set boundaries
     Don’t allow phones or tablets at the dinner table, and have set screen-free times for the family (parents included). Ban screen time before bedtime as it stimulates brain activity, and definitely don’t allow a TV in your child’s bedroom.
3. Monitor content
     Make sure the content is age-appropriate and reflects your child’s experiences in the real world. Violent programming is a definite no-no. Choose interactive programmes, apps and games that encourage your child’s participation. Content should also be wholesome, share your values and show positive interactions between characters on the screen.
4. Participate and engage
     Instead of always using screen time to keep children quiet and occupied, share the experience with them wherever possible. Engage with your child, take an interest in what he is watching or playing, and join in when you can.
5. Become a tech role model


     Spending all your free time on your phone and/or in front of the TV will send very mixed messages to your children about healthy technology usage. Instead, dedicate portions of your evenings or weekend to family time without technology – play cards and board games, build puzzles, cook and bake together, play outdoors with a ball, visit a nearby park, tell stories and read together. That way, not only will you be helping your child to develop into a healthy, well-rounded individual, but you’ll be giving yourself some much needed ‘off’ time too!